This Is How My Story Begins...Part 1

Have you ever known or felt something that you wanted to share with everyone?

Have you ever had a dramatic transformation happen to you and you wanted everyone to notice?

There is something that happened to me.

Something great and magnificent!

Something that changed my life and changed who I was.

If you have known me for more then 14 yrs, then you need to know that I am not who I was!

Please know that as I tell this that I am not out to put anyone down or judge anyone for what they believe. My intention is not to ridicule or force my faith on anyone. But these are the things that happened to me. This is what I believe.

This is where and how my story begins.....

This a story about a girl who spent the first 21 yrs of her life believing in the Mormon faith. I had great friends, a loving family and a belief system that kept me out of trouble. And because of that I can go through life without feeling any regrets. But I believe that organized religion is like having a culture. And when you grow up in a strong culture...its all you know! You only know what they tell you to believe. and knowing what I know now...I believe that people get used to the doctrine they are taught and convince themselves they believe it.

I was told that I was not supposed to look outside of what I was being taught. Don't read any material that would contradict what was being said. So... didn't! I was young and ok with where I was at. I didn't know any other way. I was "encouraged" to only have friends and date in the church so there was never anybody or anything to make me question what it was I believed. I didn't know specifically what others on the outside where believing but whatever it was....I thought it must be wrong.

I felt I had a good "testimony" but now looking back, it was just what everyone else was saying. I remember always trying to conjure up spiritual feelings. I would go to the temple grounds hoping for these glorious feelings to come over me. But nothing happened the way I thought it should. I was never excited about testimony time because not only would I hear the same thing over and over again ("I now this church is true, I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet, I know the book of mormon is true...yada yada yada...blah blah blah") but I never felt apart of what everyone was else was supposedly feeling. In some ways I guess I was faking it, thinking the feelings would happen in due time. Fake it till you make it. eh? As long as you say those core beliefs in your testimony then you are good to go...right? And if I could try real hard to conjure up some tears then I guess I was feeling the spirit. How can you really have a testimony about something unless you have totally researched and made sure there was nothing else out there.

Something was missing from all this but I didn't know what!

After coming home from college and moving out on my own, I had some decisions to make. All my close friends seemed to be going their own separate ways. Marriage, missions, more college etc. I felt kind of alone. I was officially out of the youth group (which seriously was the one strong anchor I had up until this point) I felt to young and out of place for Relief Society and the thought of going to the singles ward scared me to death! With the security of my friends gone, I dreaded the whole social part of getting older....visiting teaching, giving talks, bearing my testimony etc. I felt I had skated by under the radar until this point. This was the first test to see how strong and committed I was....and I failed! I just felt different from everyone. Not quite fitting in. That wasn't the fault of anyone, its just how I had felt for a long time.

So I decided I would take a break. A break from the rules. A break from trying to do everything perfect. A break from the grip it had over my life. I needed a breather! I felt I still believed everything but I just wanted a break from living it. Part of me wanted to see the other side of life and do some living. I was on my own and for the first time I could really and truly do what I wanted.

Now this a reminder that at this point in my life I did not know Todd. There are alot of assumptions about me going out there. They assume that Todd was my downfall. Its not that he doesn't play a major role in this story but these were the things going on inside me before he even entered my life.

And here is something I sometimes think back on and reflect about.....

If I truly and whole heartily believed....why would I even entertain the thought of taking a break. Why would it be so easy to accept? If this is what I truly wanted for my life....why would it be so hard to keep it up?

To be continued.......