My heart was broken!
I went home thinking that this will pass, that he will call me and reassure me that things will be ok. I went to bed and slept horrible..tossing and turning in tune with my nightmares. The next day I wandered aimlessly through my house. I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. I waited all day till I knew he would be home from school and stared at the phone willing it to ring. Finally,hours after I knew he'd been home, he calls me. He is distant and slightly cold on the phone. He has the nerve to ask if I am ok. Of course I'm not ok!! I keep waiting for him to tell me to come over but he doesn't. He says its best if we don't see each other right now. I hang up the phone and look around me. I couldn't bear it..I couldn't bear the suffocating feeling inside of me and I knew I had to get out of there before I went insane. But where do you go when you have lost your best friend? The only place to go was my parents house. So I packed my things and gave Todd once last call back. I wanted him to know where I was going and that if he could please feed my cat for a few days. He agreed and so I left.
My parents were very kind and sympathetic to me. They did understand that I loved him but I am sure they thought I would just get over it in time. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish by staying there. I didn't want to hear any advice that would confuse me anymore then I was. Fortunately I was mostly left alone because they had to go to work. I spent the day zoning out on the couch feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't come up with any solutions so I decided to maybe pass the time by writing his family a letter, letting them know how grateful I was to have known them. To thank them for taking me in as one of there own. Tell them how much I loved their son and how I appreciate them not giving up on him. It made me very sad that they wouldn't be my family anymore. Needless to say I was digging myself into a deeper despair as the minutes ticked on.
What comes next is a pivotal moment in my life.Whenever I think about it and talk about it I can't help but get emotional. But what I am about to tell you did happen!
As I was sitting on that couch, with the sun coming through the window and shining on my back. While MTV was playing on the TV and I was the only person present in that house......
I heard a voice. A voice that spoke to me. Not in my head but like another person was standing behind me. A voice loud and clear. A voice that was deep, strong and powerful. A voice powerful enough to move mountains and calm the seas. A voice that never in my life will I ever deny. Even as I type this my heart is beating fast and I feel a trembling in my fingertips just remembering it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt who it was. Little ole insignificant me, sitting there feeling small, forgotten and alone....heard the voice of God and He said to me...
"You need to call your Aunt RIGHT NOW!"
Without even thinking or freaking out about it I calmly but quickly got up from the couch. And then all of a sudden it felt like I was in one of those dreams where you are trying desperately to get somewhere but you can't because your legs are like lead. I was trying to go up the stairs and it was like I was pushing against a brick wall. I was stumbling and couldn't get my legs to work right. Finally I make it up the few stairs but the air is thick and its like I am trying to run in water. In what seems like forever I finally make it to the phone and again I am having a problem. The phone kept slipping out of my hand and I couldn't get past the fog in my mind to dial the number. I finally shout " Stop It!" and the fog lifts from me and I am able to get a hold of my aunt on the phone. I tell her I need her to come get me right now...quickly! Luckily (or was it really luck? I don't think so!) she was just approaching the exit to my parents house and she would be there in 2 minutes. I grabbed my stuff, left my car behind and little did I know that I was on the road to salvation!
Too Be Continued....
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