Part 3 ..My Turmoil Continues!

So who was this mysterious woman strategically placed in our lives? Well...her name is Karen and she photographs very famous rock bands. She always wears black and has very bright platinum blond hair. She is loud, edgy and fun. She came back from a life on the road to disaster. She has an amazing story and she is extremely fired up about God! When I first met her I was a little taken back. A little bit intimidated with her enthusiasm. She was not afraid to tell it like it was and I thought to myself .. "Uh oh, Todd is not going to like this!" Well as it turns out, I was wrong. Evidently she was exactly who he needed to meet. I didn't know the details about all their conversations but what I did know is that there seemed to be a slight transformation happening in Todd and I didn't know if I liked it. I would get angry that they would spend so much time together. Not that I was jealous (she is a married woman) but I didn't know if I wanted her to rub off on him. And also I was scared. Scared that the topic of religion would come up again and that it would have to be dealt with. I was also scared that he would eventually decide that I actually wasn't who he wanted.

He had assured me that he wouldn't be swayed but I could tell something was happening in him. He had never met what he thought of as a cool Christian. Someone that was fun and cool and he wanted to know what she knew. She made such an impression on him that he allowed himself to open his eyes and ears. He finally stopped and listened to someone. And in time everything he knew and felt as a little boy started working its way back to the surface. That hard outer shell started chipping away and this stronger, better man started to appear before my eyes. It scared me but at the same time I secretly liked it because when I first met him I knew there was an incredible person hidden that no one else could see. And that person was finally making an appearance.

On day he announces to me that we were going to go to church with Karen and her family. I really wasn't very excited about it. I had never in my life been to a Christian church service before. I didn't know what to expect and I kind of felt like he was pushing this on me and neglecting my feelings. but I went anyways because I would follow this man till the ends of the earth. The first thing that I noticed was that everyone was sooooo excited. and that everyone was actually singing with enthusiasm. No one had there faces in the hymn books and barely getting through the songs. And the songs themselves were interesting and lively. Not boring! The Pastor was interesting and I didn't find my mind wandering while he was speaking. I don't remember what he talked about but I remember feeling like it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had a good time but unfortunately the cat was out of the bag now. Our comfortable situation was falling apart. His beliefs compared to my (so called) beliefs couldn't be ignored anymore. But what was it that I even believed anymore??

And so continued the conversations from 6 months earlier that we had put on hold. I was surprised at how much he knew about the Mormon religion and I of course knew little about Christianity. At times I felt ignorant and naive. He seemed to have an answer for everything and that frustrated me. Of course I would get extremely defensive but found myself struggling in backing myself up. So I decided I was going to really work hard on proving him wrong! I got out all my books and little materials that I had and set out to wow him with all the answers. The first thing I realized is that I had to prove everything with only the bible. He wasn't going to believe anything from the other books. So as I was going through the bible I then began to realize that the version I had was translated and "set up" to coincide with The book of mormon and other books I had. Hmmm...that was not good or working out at all because I couldn't find the answers that he would except. The more I searched and the more I read, I realized that I didn't know as much as I thought I did. I was confused and in turmoil. I believed this stuff because it was what I grew up on but I had come to find out how none of this stuff could be believable to an outsider. So why was I still hanging on to something that was beginning to sound weird even to me now?

So our relationship was becoming somewhat fragile. We were at a cross roads but neither one of us had the courage to either change or end it.

And then came the breaking point! My parents took me aside and confronted me about the fact that I was sleeping with Todd. I know..I know..I'll admit it. Yes, we were having sex! They spoke their opinions on the matter and even though I was 22 yrs old I turned into a little girl again seeking my parents approval. I went to Todd that night and cried and complained about not knowing what to do. My parents said this and told me I had to do that. Boo hoo and whine whine! And Todd said "You know what?...I am done with this! I am done with your back and forth, wishy washy attitude. You need to make a decision. I want nothing to do with that church and if you can't decide if you want me or something you don't even know if you believe in anymore then I will make that decision for you!"

Have you ever had a broken heart? Have you ever physically felt it break in half? Have you heard the sound of it tearing in shreds and not knowing if you could live through another day?

I have!

To be continued....