Before I Was A Mom....

Before I was a Mom,

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on.

Pooped on.

Chewed on.

Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,

I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.

Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.!

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body..

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth,

the joy,

the love,

the heartache,

the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,

before I was a Mom.

Happy Mothers Day!!!

Sneaky Chef

I don't know if I have mentioned this a thousand times before but.......Kaden is a very picky eater! And when he does decide to eat, it's usually just a few bites. It's frustrating beyond belief and I have been dealing with it ever since he was drinking from a bottle. He is a waif of a child and I always dread taking him to the doctor in fear that they will call CPS on me!

So I am always in a state of "how am I going to get healthy stuff in my child" Not that I am one of those crazy, health nut moms but it is something that's always in the back of my mind.

So when I came across the Sneaky Chef cookbook, I thought to myself......

Eureka!!

Some of the recipes were a little odd tasting and some of it is just to time consuming for me. But there is one recipe that I make on a regular basis (or at least when I can remember)

Breakfast Ice Cream!

Kaden is HUGE ice cream fan and once I can convince him that he wants pink ice cream and not white ice cream....he is non the wiser ☺

All you need is frozen strawberries, avocado ( yes...I said avocado)

and yogurt.

I am using vanilla yogurt today but plain yogurt is of course healthier. If you do end up using plain, then add some honey to sweeten it up

Give a whirl in the ole food processor

And you have made your very own version of strawberry ice cream. It keeps in the freezer for a few days and its actually quite tasty. Once you give it a try then you can unwrinkle your nose...because I know that's what your doing right now!

Now I know it will never replace good old fashion ice cream but...

A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do!

Remember These?

Sometimes it's all about the classic toys!

The Things We Do While Everyone Else Is Working

Todd had it in his mind for months and months that he wanted to smoke a turkey on the bbq. So recently on one of his days off he got up super early

Stuffed the turkey (which soaked in a brine all night)And put it on the bbq in the wee hours of the morning
The bird was strategically placed away from the coals and the temperature had to stay at a consistent 250 degrees
The sucker was basted every half hour and even though it smelt like we were camping, it still had a wonderful smell to it

8 hours later and that baby finally reached an internal temperature of 165 degrees

The skin was perfectly crispy and the meat was sooooooo juicy!

We literally had Thanksgiving in April

Kylers favorite part of the bird

And Kaden actually ate his dinner!

What kinds of things do you do on your days off?

Tiptoeing Through The Tulips

If you read other blogs from the Seattle area then this might be just another tulip post to you. But if not....welcome to my first trip to the Tulip fields!

April in this area means Tulip time. I only live 15 minutes from the festival so you would think I would have been before. But I always think about doing it after its over. Well this year I was a little bit more prepared. I remembered the DAY BEFORE it was over. Better late then never seems to be my theme these days.

Fortunately it was a day without rain and Todd had the day off. So, we grabbed the camera, pulled Kyler out of school early, had an over-priced lunch in town and then headed to the fields!

Can you find Kaden?

Not much to do but walk around and enjoy the beautiful colors and massive amounts of blossoms. We only visited one field because most had already been harvested. And I didn't want to spend 5 bucks a head to go see the more manicured gardens.

We let Kyler take the camera for awhile (thank goodness we live in digital times) I'm not going to tell ya but I bet you can't tell which pictures are his. I think he did that good of a job!

They are so pretty we just wanted to share them with everyone!

Part 5...We Finally Come To The End!

My Aunt is someone who I have always felt close to. Someone once told us that when we are together its like we have kindred spirits. I have always been able to tell her anything and I know that she loves me like a daughter. I didn't know why I was supposed to be in that car but very quickly I felt a peace come over me. I knew that of anybody, she could help me figure this out. She herself used to be a mormon. I never really knew what happened, just that she didn't go anymore. So I told her everything that happened and everything that I was feeling. You would think that I would be able remember everything about our conversation but unfortunately over the years I have forgotten bits and pieces. What I do remember is her telling me that I need to list the pros and cons of being with Todd. Of course the pros totally outweighed the cons. I only had two cons on the list. I was still holding on to this idea of being married in the temple. The idea of being together forever was very romantic to me and of course I wanted to be together forever with the man I loved! And I had a desperate need to have my parents approval. Even at 22 yrs old I couldn't help falling into that role of a little girl. I hated it and to this day I find myself slipping back into it from time to time.

My aunt encouraged me to try and step back from the situation and look at it from another point of view. Are these things really enough to keep us apart? She asked if I really believed in God? Yes! Did you desire him in your life? Yes absolutely! Then why are you letting all these "things" get in the way from that? Why are so concerned about all the religious stuff when all that should matter is your personal relationship with Christ? And as soon as I stepped back from the situation...I knew exactly what she was talking about. Its like the light bulb finally came on and I could see clearly what was going on. I finally got a sense of what had been missing. Its not that Jesus was ever missing from my life but there was to may rules, steps and legalities getting in the way. To much religious junk! To much emphasis on procedures and people that didn't really matter and not enough emphasis on Jesus. And I knew instantly that I only wanted Jesus! I knew I was at a point in my life that I truly needed to know the Lord personally. For the past 22 years, I have relied on the Church – the building, the people, the programs, and the prophet – to serve as my physical connection to an unseen God. I didn't want those things in the way anymore.

What do I have to do to move on from this point? Little did I know it would be so easy! I was so used to having to go through so many steps to gain this or that....who knew it would just take a simple heart felt prayer? All I needed to do was ask him to take over my life, my will and my ways. Stop relying on everything else and only rely on him. I experienced the term "born again" that day. Not a physical birth but a spiritual birth. From our physical birth by our human parents, we have a dying physical body; a corrupted psychological organ (the soul), consisting of the mind, emotion, and will; and a spirit that is dead and incapable of contacting God. By receiving Christ as our Savior, we are born of God. The Spirit of God comes into our human spirit to regenerate it, enliven it, with the life of God. This is to be born again. First we are born of our parents, then we are born of God. The first birth gives us the opportunity to have the second birth. The first birth produces us as a dirty vessel; the second birth cleanses us and fills us with the divine and eternal life of God. The first birth destines us to die; the second birth results in life eternal. In the first birth we are cursed, but in the second we are blessed, not with material riches but with God. And that is what happened to me while driving in the car on a warm sunny afternoon on July 12th 1996. I was able to pause and take my eyes off of the legalities of religion and place them on Christ. He changed my life that day. It was a miracle. It was not of this world but lasting and undeniable.

That's not to say everything fell into place and all my questions were answered immediately. I had alot of issues to wade through and alot of stuff to still figure out but I finally had a peace that I have never had before. Not just a peace about my relationship with Todd but a peace about my salvation. It took me years of reading and studying and hearing God's word. Many hours of discussions and a few debates here and there. But when I finally stopped trying to fight it and just opened my heart and eyes and to what God was trying to tell... I just understood everything! And I finally let go of the teachings of the LDS church and just...Let God! I turned to the word of God to discover the complete truth about God and his will for my life. So here is what I learned and now believe after 13 yrs in my new life (in no particular order).....

• Jesus is God in the flesh and there is no other way to the Father but by faith in the Son. Jesus, and Jesus alone, is the Way, the Truth and the Life for all mankind. I believe God is consistent and doesn't constantly change his mind and the rules.

I worship one God who consists of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I believe that God has never had a beginning and will never have an end. I think its blasphemy to think that we can one day become our own God

I hold that the Holy Bible is God's inerrant eternal Word and is the sole, final authority for faith and practice. I believe it to be the ONLY word of God

I believe that important spiritual works of love will follow them that truly believe. I reject the idea that any sort of works can save a person in the kingdom of God except the work of Jesus through His life, on the cross and by His resurrection. God's grace through faith in Jesus Christ alone will gain our entrance into the Kingdom of God. I believe in good works as a result of, rather than a means of salvation. Did the Thief on the cross work his way to Heaven? No...Jesus said to the thief on the cross who repented "Today (Present tense) you will be with me in paradise" (Luke 23:43). This thief was neither baptized nor partook of the Lords supper, he believed and was promised to be with Jesus. He did no works but only believed. This can be hard to accept for those who add requirements to be saved or busy themselves to earn their way to heavens abode.

I accept the Word of Wisdom as sound advice for living and highly recommend individuals to incorporate it into their daily lives. However, obedience to this doctrine has no bearing on my salvation. What I eat, drink or take into my body is between me and the Lord. Yes I drink alcohol and no I don't feel guilty about it. Wasn't Jesus's first miracle turning water into wine? No where in the bible does it say that we can not drink BUT yes..Drunkenness is considered an activity in opposition to biblical truth

• I believe everyday is a day of peace and rest for the believer through the Lord Jesus Christ. Sabbath-Day observances are legalistic and have served no redeeming purpose since the ascension of our Lord. I readily accept the opportunity to congregate on the Lord's Day, however, and look forward to worshipping God with like-minded believers. I love going to church now. I look forward to it and I don't feel an obligation to go. I don't go because I feel its going bring me salvation...I go for myself. To feel Gods presence, to learn about how I can a be closer to him and so I can have that time to praise him.

The authority to act in God’s name comes from faith in the cross. This has been the case since the ascension. Jesus is the high priest, and our faith in Him authorizes us to act in His name. All true priesthood begins and ends through him. I believe everything in the Old Testament points forward to the cross of Jesus Christ and everything after the death of the Savior points back to it. To make a long story short, all the authority and Levitical lineage required of holders of the priesthood pointed to the coming authority of Jesus, and every act, rite, spiritual gift, authority, or ecclesiastical position today comes from our faith in Him.

I do not believe that Joseph Smith or any other "so-called" prophets are true prophets of God. Jesus said "Beware of false prophets" (Matthew 7:15) and the Apostle John warned that "many false prophets are gone out into the world" (1 John 4:1). How do we identify a false prophet? A key test is to examine the prophecies he or she has made in the name of the Lord. If a single one of those prophecies fail to come to pass, the speaker is identified as a false prophet and we are not to pay any attention to them (Deuteronomy 18:20-22). I know of at least 7 failed"prophecies" given by Joseph Smith. That's 7 to many if you ask me! I believe that Jesus Christ is the only true prophet needed to guide me

• I believe that a born again Christian is the temple in which God dwells through the justification and sanctification of Jesus Christ. I believe that once your dead...your dead and you don't get a second chance. I reject the concept of physical edifices which serve as holy stations for the performance of vicarious ordinance work for the dead.

I believe that the New Testament church, the Body of Christ, has never apostatized and is alive and well today, called to win the lost to Christ and expecting His soon return!

And what about my one con on that list? My romantic idea of being married in the temple and being together forever??..

When a person places his or her entire heart and life in the trust and care of God, fear flees. Do I believe that I will be with Todd after this life? I believe in the glory and honor of God first. Do I desire to have my children with me in the eternities? I want it if God wants it. The fundamental question here is not, "Will families be together forever?" The bottom-line question is, "Do I place all my faith and trust in Him?" When human beings decide to formulate ideas to help soothe their worried hearts (like the non biblical idea that marriage is eternal and that families will be together forever), it removes the faith and trust God commands His children to have in Him and replaces it with ordinances and theologies that bring false, non biblical hope. So while I love my family with every bit of my soul, I love and trust God more, and know, unequivocally, that He will take supreme care of me, my husband, my children, and the rest of my family if they have faith in His Son. No matter how wonderful human ideas are regarding God and the after-life, I trust that God will take care of me and those I love in a much more authentic and superior way.

So there you have it! I can't say that this is where my story really ends. My story is my life and my life continues to grow and get better everyday. Why have I decided to tell my story in this way. Well for one thing this is like my journal and so far I have never really written this stuff down and I don't want to forget anything as the years go by. Also, I feel this is easier then telling it over and over again. I have wanted this out in the open for a long time and have never quite figured out how I was going to do it. I am a writer not a talker. I have spent many hours and days mulling over this. Editing and rewriting things over and over again. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect and nothing was forgotten. I welcome any and all comments. I hope to hear lots of thoughts on what I have written. My intention was not to offend anyone or put anyone in a position that they feel they need to be defensive. I love my friends and I love my family. I pray for them just as much as they pray for me. I love the Lord and I love the person I have come to be in him. The music on my playlist in the side bar are the songs that are constantly in my head and in my heart. I sing them all day long. Do I feel like I get extra blessings for who I am? No, not at all. I still have trials and I still have disappointments. But I can't stress enough the freedom I feel in Christ. The freedom from religious legalities that get in the way from the whole point of me being here in this body and in this life. I am here to praise God in everything I do and I hope that my life with reflect him in it. He came to this earth to pay the price for my sins. He created me. He knows who I am and knows my name. There will come a day when he will take me in his arms, hold my face in his hands and say to me "Well done..my good and faithful servant!"

And finally all the troubles of this life will fade away!

Part 4..A Moment I Will Never Forget!

My heart was broken!

I went home thinking that this will pass, that he will call me and reassure me that things will be ok. I went to bed and slept horrible..tossing and turning in tune with my nightmares. The next day I wandered aimlessly through my house. I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. I waited all day till I knew he would be home from school and stared at the phone willing it to ring. Finally,hours after I knew he'd been home, he calls me. He is distant and slightly cold on the phone. He has the nerve to ask if I am ok. Of course I'm not ok!! I keep waiting for him to tell me to come over but he doesn't. He says its best if we don't see each other right now. I hang up the phone and look around me. I couldn't bear it..I couldn't bear the suffocating feeling inside of me and I knew I had to get out of there before I went insane. But where do you go when you have lost your best friend? The only place to go was my parents house. So I packed my things and gave Todd once last call back. I wanted him to know where I was going and that if he could please feed my cat for a few days. He agreed and so I left.

My parents were very kind and sympathetic to me. They did understand that I loved him but I am sure they thought I would just get over it in time. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish by staying there. I didn't want to hear any advice that would confuse me anymore then I was. Fortunately I was mostly left alone because they had to go to work. I spent the day zoning out on the couch feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't come up with any solutions so I decided to maybe pass the time by writing his family a letter, letting them know how grateful I was to have known them. To thank them for taking me in as one of there own. Tell them how much I loved their son and how I appreciate them not giving up on him. It made me very sad that they wouldn't be my family anymore. Needless to say I was digging myself into a deeper despair as the minutes ticked on.

What comes next is a pivotal moment in my life.Whenever I think about it and talk about it I can't help but get emotional. But what I am about to tell you did happen!

As I was sitting on that couch, with the sun coming through the window and shining on my back. While MTV was playing on the TV and I was the only person present in that house......

I heard a voice. A voice that spoke to me. Not in my head but like another person was standing behind me. A voice loud and clear. A voice that was deep, strong and powerful. A voice powerful enough to move mountains and calm the seas. A voice that never in my life will I ever deny. Even as I type this my heart is beating fast and I feel a trembling in my fingertips just remembering it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt who it was. Little ole insignificant me, sitting there feeling small, forgotten and alone....heard the voice of God and He said to me...

"You need to call your Aunt RIGHT NOW!"

Without even thinking or freaking out about it I calmly but quickly got up from the couch. And then all of a sudden it felt like I was in one of those dreams where you are trying desperately to get somewhere but you can't because your legs are like lead. I was trying to go up the stairs and it was like I was pushing against a brick wall. I was stumbling and couldn't get my legs to work right. Finally I make it up the few stairs but the air is thick and its like I am trying to run in water. In what seems like forever I finally make it to the phone and again I am having a problem. The phone kept slipping out of my hand and I couldn't get past the fog in my mind to dial the number. I finally shout " Stop It!" and the fog lifts from me and I am able to get a hold of my aunt on the phone. I tell her I need her to come get me right now...quickly! Luckily (or was it really luck? I don't think so!) she was just approaching the exit to my parents house and she would be there in 2 minutes. I grabbed my stuff, left my car behind and little did I know that I was on the road to salvation!

Too Be Continued....

Part 3 ..My Turmoil Continues!

So who was this mysterious woman strategically placed in our lives? Well...her name is Karen and she photographs very famous rock bands. She always wears black and has very bright platinum blond hair. She is loud, edgy and fun. She came back from a life on the road to disaster. She has an amazing story and she is extremely fired up about God! When I first met her I was a little taken back. A little bit intimidated with her enthusiasm. She was not afraid to tell it like it was and I thought to myself .. "Uh oh, Todd is not going to like this!" Well as it turns out, I was wrong. Evidently she was exactly who he needed to meet. I didn't know the details about all their conversations but what I did know is that there seemed to be a slight transformation happening in Todd and I didn't know if I liked it. I would get angry that they would spend so much time together. Not that I was jealous (she is a married woman) but I didn't know if I wanted her to rub off on him. And also I was scared. Scared that the topic of religion would come up again and that it would have to be dealt with. I was also scared that he would eventually decide that I actually wasn't who he wanted.

He had assured me that he wouldn't be swayed but I could tell something was happening in him. He had never met what he thought of as a cool Christian. Someone that was fun and cool and he wanted to know what she knew. She made such an impression on him that he allowed himself to open his eyes and ears. He finally stopped and listened to someone. And in time everything he knew and felt as a little boy started working its way back to the surface. That hard outer shell started chipping away and this stronger, better man started to appear before my eyes. It scared me but at the same time I secretly liked it because when I first met him I knew there was an incredible person hidden that no one else could see. And that person was finally making an appearance.

On day he announces to me that we were going to go to church with Karen and her family. I really wasn't very excited about it. I had never in my life been to a Christian church service before. I didn't know what to expect and I kind of felt like he was pushing this on me and neglecting my feelings. but I went anyways because I would follow this man till the ends of the earth. The first thing that I noticed was that everyone was sooooo excited. and that everyone was actually singing with enthusiasm. No one had there faces in the hymn books and barely getting through the songs. And the songs themselves were interesting and lively. Not boring! The Pastor was interesting and I didn't find my mind wandering while he was speaking. I don't remember what he talked about but I remember feeling like it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had a good time but unfortunately the cat was out of the bag now. Our comfortable situation was falling apart. His beliefs compared to my (so called) beliefs couldn't be ignored anymore. But what was it that I even believed anymore??

And so continued the conversations from 6 months earlier that we had put on hold. I was surprised at how much he knew about the Mormon religion and I of course knew little about Christianity. At times I felt ignorant and naive. He seemed to have an answer for everything and that frustrated me. Of course I would get extremely defensive but found myself struggling in backing myself up. So I decided I was going to really work hard on proving him wrong! I got out all my books and little materials that I had and set out to wow him with all the answers. The first thing I realized is that I had to prove everything with only the bible. He wasn't going to believe anything from the other books. So as I was going through the bible I then began to realize that the version I had was translated and "set up" to coincide with The book of mormon and other books I had. Hmmm...that was not good or working out at all because I couldn't find the answers that he would except. The more I searched and the more I read, I realized that I didn't know as much as I thought I did. I was confused and in turmoil. I believed this stuff because it was what I grew up on but I had come to find out how none of this stuff could be believable to an outsider. So why was I still hanging on to something that was beginning to sound weird even to me now?

So our relationship was becoming somewhat fragile. We were at a cross roads but neither one of us had the courage to either change or end it.

And then came the breaking point! My parents took me aside and confronted me about the fact that I was sleeping with Todd. I know..I know..I'll admit it. Yes, we were having sex! They spoke their opinions on the matter and even though I was 22 yrs old I turned into a little girl again seeking my parents approval. I went to Todd that night and cried and complained about not knowing what to do. My parents said this and told me I had to do that. Boo hoo and whine whine! And Todd said "You know what?...I am done with this! I am done with your back and forth, wishy washy attitude. You need to make a decision. I want nothing to do with that church and if you can't decide if you want me or something you don't even know if you believe in anymore then I will make that decision for you!"

Have you ever had a broken heart? Have you ever physically felt it break in half? Have you heard the sound of it tearing in shreds and not knowing if you could live through another day?

I have!

To be continued....