This blog is supposed to be my (very public) journal. Sort of an outlet for my feelings and my life. But as I look back, I realize I haven't been as open as I thought I was. As I've been documenting various activities in our lives, I feel like I've been glossing over something this past year. Something I was kind of ashamed of. Something that at times I felt really wasn't anyone's business. But as we are finally emerging out of the situation, I find myself excited about possabilities, life lessons and my relationship with God. So if I feel excitement after this "situation" then why not talk about it?? Why not share my experience and what has come out of it?
What is the experience????
Bankruptcy!!
Ugh! Such a nasty word! A terrible, shameful and embarrassing thing to admit. Something everyone is fearful of but also something you never think is going to happen to you. (Kind of like the word miscarriage. Yeah...been there too!)
So it's the typical story in these hard economical times. Todd sells cars..our income depends on people spending money...when people stop spending money....we lose out big time!! It was a hard decision to come by. We talked about the possability for months but it finally came to a point where we hit a wall and there was nowhere left for us to go. It's somewhat shameful to admit because you don't want people to know how very broke you are. Especially in these days of who has the biggest house and the fastest car.
Money problems can take a toll on many things in your life. Your marriage, your moods, stress levels (which can affect your weight) and everything else in between. But I was determined from the beginning that this was not going to be bigger then me. And most important.. not going to be bigger then God! Now.. I felt I had a good relationship with God, but there is always room for improvement. (If you haven't read about where I've been, who I was and why I'm not there anymore...then go
HERE and be sure to read all 5 parts to the story) The reason I was created was to draw closer to Him an all I do. And to not lose sight of all this, I was dedicated to keeping my eyes on God at all times.
Even when....
I couldn't see past the next week (I literally saw the color black in my near future)
We had to go on state food assistance so my family would have food
I had to be creative with our playtime because there was no money to do anything
Todd would work long long hours trying in vain to make some money
We had no goals anymore
We feared losing our house
We feared losing our cars
We couldn't dream anymore!
I started with a dedication to make it to church every week no matter what! Even when I sure did not feel like going. I went with an attitude that God was going to speak to me and I was going to be comforted by his words. And you know what? That really did happen! It seemed like almost every week I heard what I needed to hear at that time.
I also drowned myself in Christian music. Everywhere I went, whether it was the car, my ipod or in the house...I was listening and drowning myself in the words. I found the right songs that really spoke to me and immersed myself in them. I sang them with a conviction that brought me to tears. I really think that doing this saved me and kept me from getting lost in a dark hole.
I was determined that this was not going to affect our marriage in a negative way. I promised myself that I was not going to blame Todd or resent him in anyway. I was not going to nag. I was not going to cry and whine about our situation. We were a team and since we got ourselves into this together then we would get ourselves out of it together.
I also prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed! Oh and I prayed a little more!
And I repeated over and over..."God was faithful before and he'll be faithful again"
God gives and takes away but my heart chose to say..."Blessed be His name!" everyday!
That's not to say I was successful in every area 100% of the time. There were days I felt I had been abandoned. I felt God had forgotten about me. But everyday it got a little easier. I used to be confused about the concept of laying your troubles at the feet of Jesus. I wanted to understand how to do that but me being such a worry wart, I just couldn't get past the worry. But after awhile I have to tell you that I kind of figured it out. It wasn't an overnight thing. It was definetly a gradual process. But I soon began to just have the state of mind that God is in control. God has a plan. He knows what's best and He will guide us. He is the only one who knows how this is going to end. It became easier to just let it all go and let him have it because I obviously was not in control of my life! And that's ok! It is his to do with how he pleases. I am ok with not being in control and I don't think it is a sign of weakness. It's very freeing. You should try it sometime!
So here we are a year later. We kept our cars, we've so far kept the house (still crossing our fingers on that one), I've kept my marriage and I've kept my sanity. And it's not that God rewarded me because of my attitude. I don't think that's the case at all because we still are paying for our mistakes in other ways.But "all I hath needed Thy hand hath provided". Not all that we wanted but all that we needed. And I like that. I like learning contenment. Looking back, I liked being stripped of everything but my faith. At the time it was hard but...isn't everything more clear and easier when your looking back on it? I think sometimes God needs to do what has to be done to get our attention. And I don't regret anything. How can I regret something that brings me closer to Jesus! How can a regret the kind of person I have become over this past year? How can I regret a strong marriage? How can I regret a peaceful feeling in my soul? I'm not saying I welcome pain and hardship but I know that whatever comes my way...I can handle it. I can handle it because God will carry me the whole way.
I love the lyrics to this song (of course doesn't it always come down to a song) But if I have to be brought to my knees to draw closer to God then.....
Bring The Rain
I can count a million times
people asking me how I
can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
can circumstances possibly
change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
the dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
by suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
(MercyMe)
