That ONE thing that's always on my mind

When I was growing up, I knew that all I wanted for my life was to be a wife and a mom. No strong urges for a career...just babies! During high school and my brief stint with college, I actually started to fear that I wouldn't get married. Not because I hadn't gotten married by that point but because guys just didn't seem to be interested in me. I had 2 boyfriends in my younger years and both of them were dramatic and not very healthy for me. I couldn't help feel down on myself and slightly panicky that there was something wrong with me, that I might not be able to find the one who would love me. I needed a back up plan since babies might not be in my future and decided I would have to pick a career or SOMETHING. But babies were still in my mind and still are today. Fortunately I did find someone to love me. Someone to love all the things that are wrong with me. The kind of person I never thought I would end up with but still did anyways. And I was able to have 2 wonderful, perfect babies but.......babies are STILL on my mind.

Kyler came so quick and easy for us. Some people might think its crazy to get pregnant 3 months after getting married but it was right for us in so many areas. And because of that I envisioned I would get exactly what I had wanted and dreamed for my life to really happen. Babies and more babies.

Fast forward 2 1/2 yrs later and I get pregnant. Again it was quick....but not easy. I miscarried at about 12 weeks and was absolutely devastated. These things happen to other people. Not me! I could not (and still can't to this day) believe that I would be one of THOSE woman. I sometimes think that I would have a 7 year old to love right now. Doctor said it would be better to wait at least 3 months to get pregnant again. So we waited...

And waited....


And waited...


And waited...


And waited...

Much to my breaking heart, nothing was happening. Year after year after year. Period after period after period. I still get tears just thinking about that time of my life. I was so sad and so heart broken. We prayed and prayed. And even though we wanted another child we understood that it was in Gods timing. I would tell myself that if I had known Kyler would be the one and only, I would have done so many things different. I would have savored more of the moments. Taken more pictures or...something. I so desperately wanted him to have a sibling. I myself don't have a sibling and even though its not my parents fault at all.....I still couldn't help feel I was left out of the "sibling club".

Fast forward again. Its the year 2004. Many things have changed for us. We had not only moved out of the rut we were in but into our very own house. Todd is making more money. I am making money. Thank God we were finally making more money! And with that money came health insurance. With that health insurance we found out the problem. Thank God we finally found out the problem! A simple surgery and 3 months later we are pregnant! I was shocked and stunned to say the least. Doctor said that the surgery wouldn't guarantee anything and me being a "glass half empty" kind of girl, didn't put to much hope into it. Especially about this kind of thing. I was NOT going to get my hopes up again. But God came through in the end. He heard our prayers. It was totally the right timing. You wouldn't believe how right the timing was and how it soooo wasn't back when we were desperately praying. I call Kaden our miracle baby. Our family was more complete once he arrived.

Fast forward almost 3 yrs. Present time. Kaden is almost 3 yrs old. I catch myself watching him like I am trying to record and burn everything in my mind. Because like I said...I am thinking about babies. Babies that don't seem to be coming AGAIN! Why do we have to work so hard for something that is so easy for so many people? I have tried telling myself that I should be happy with the 2 babies I have had. Some people don't even have that much. I had thought that I would be able to get past it. But lately I am having doubts about that. I want...no I need another one. I am feeling that hole again. I am getting that desperation feeling again. That if I don't get pregnant...I may just go crazy. Or if I don't get pregnant, could Kaden just stay little forever? I had to write about this because its so heavy on my heart that I feel I may burst. Hoping that getting this out would somehow gain some relief. It seems to be all I think about. I am consumed by it. Todd is going to wonder where the heck this is coming from because I haven't really talked about. I have a tendency to hold things in for a long time. I don't want to relive those dark years of disappointment and tears but Good God its happening again.

When is it going to be my turn? When will I not have to work so hard for EVERYTHING?

All I want is just one more