Everyday that passes without me posting on this here blog puts a little bit of stress on me. I don't know why.. considering I don't even know who follows me. There have even been brief moments of thinking that maybe I should just give up on it cuz I don't need the sress but then I remind myself again and again that even if nobody reads this...it's still my journal. A memory book to look back on over the years. And if I were to stop then I would very much regret it in the future. So I will still keep on keeping on and if you do read this...Thanks and I am sorry that my lack of creativity has been soooo lacking these days. I was looking back at last years posts about visiting the pumpkin patches and I was reminded of how witty I can sometimes be. I miss my witty self and will work on getting it back.
But I wanted to bring things up to speed while I had a minute this evening. I am on our spare computer...our web browser computer as we call it, which means this post will have to picture-free. It's almost sacreligious but it can't be help.
Its amazing how life can take such a change from one day to the next. One day you are walking through life with little direction...no idea what to do with yourself...and an almost invisible feeling about yourself. This is something I have been struggling with for a long time. I love being a mom. I love my kids. I love my husband. I wouldn't change any of that for anything but I still needed something else in my days. Some kind of change inside of me. I have struggled ALL my life with my self esteem. I have always felt like a nobody..invisible...boring. I have always been a bit shy. I have been going to the same church for almost 4 yrs and nobody knows me. The thought of getting out and making myself known is almost paralyzing. I have always wanted to be one of those outgoing, very social, interesting type of person. But its just not in me for some reason. It makes me sad...it makes me cry. My husband is my biggest fan and he tells me it all the time. He tells me I am beautiful but I only see an average person.
This is my personal demon!!
But things change and God is faithful....
One day at church I read in the bulletin that a womens bible study was starting up on Tuesday mornings. The same morning that Kaden goes to preschool. There was no reason for me not to join. I sat there in service that morning struggling with the nudging that God was giving me. I don't even think I heard what the pastor was saying that day. There was a battle going on inside of me and God was winning (like he always does!) If I wanted to get rid of this invisible feeling I had inside of me then gosh darnit....do something about it!! So I did...I joined! I have been going for a couple of weeks and even though I am the youngest in the bunch, I really feel this is going to help me in alot of ways. Just the fact that I am doing something for ME is a huge thing. The devil has already been at work and still tries to talk me out of it but I am determined to be stronger then that. So that is one of the first bit of changes around here for me.
The second is....I got a job! For over a year we have been really struggling financially. Todd needs to get a new career because this car selling bit is getting really old..really fast. We have been praying and praying for guidance and direction. And either God is laying low on us right now or we are not hearing him scream in our ears...which is most likely the case. But anyways..I have been feeling helpless and wishing I could contribute somehow. But I didn't know how because I needed to be home for my children. I had thought about babysitting but its hard to get your name out there. I advertised on a few websites but nothing ever came of it. Then 2 weeks ago out of the blue I get an email from a lady I applied to way back in January, asking if I was still interested in watching kids. Of course my first instinct is "No" cuz I didn't want to mess with my schedule...the schedule that I was tired of (yeah I know makes alot of sense). But even though change is hard it needs to be done. God really does know whats best and he really is looking out for us. With in a matter of a few days God has given me a job that totally fits my familys needs, schedule (I can still go to bible study!) and I am making a decent amount of money. I am watching 2 girls ages 3 & 4. They live about 10 min away so I am able to go between houses depending on the day. I only work 3 days a week from 9 to 3. And I am able to bring Kaden with me. The money I am bringing in each month will pay for both car payments, student loan bill and Kadens preschool. There is still a bit of adjusting to be done. I actually have to get up at a certain time in the morning and if you know me...you know I am NOT a morning person. Todd and I are not able to spend as much time together and I am running all over the place all the time now. Between preschool, bible study, swimming lessons, kids club at church, taking the other girls to their preschool, babysitting and somehow fitting the gym in...I went from no life to a busy life! It may seem like a small thing but these changes are going to be very good for me. I have a bit more direction and purpose to my days. Not that my family didn't give me purpose but....I just needed something else.
So that's what's going on with me. Change is good because if we didn't have anything else to learn and we stopped growing...I guess we would be dead!
